The Good and Bad of Divorce

Usually I don't like to discuss such a sticky topic, but recent events prompted me to put in my two cents. As everyone knows, I've been divorced three times. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but it is what it is. I feel that my experiences with my own divorces somehow allows me the right to comment on what I see going on around me. In no way am I qualified to tell others what to do... but I do believe we can learn from each other's mistakes for the betterment of those around us and for ourselves. That being said, this is my take.

Let me lay a little ground work for just a moment. My last ex and I get along fairly well for our son's sake. We don't always agree on certain topics, but on things of utmost importance, we do all we can to compromise and do whatever is best for our child. I know this isn't always possible in every divorce, and because of that.. I am very grateful that he and I can act like adults. One golden rule that we never break, and doubtfully ever will, is that we don't use our child as a pawn. We don't use him against each other, we don't poison his mind against either parent or household, and we sure as hell don't try to buy our child's love. There was a time, briefly, that the father mistakenly thought that by taking our son out to McDonald's every night, buying him everything his little heart desired, and spoiling him at every chance, he is showing love. This is not love, it's manipulation, buying a child's love, and in my opinion.. this is child abuse! What lesson does one teach a child by acting in such a manner? You are only teaching this child to be a spoiled, self-centered pain in the ass that has behavior problems and be socially defunct. Luckily we were able to discuss these problems and dad is now much more aware of how our son reacts to such overindulgence and together we came up with a plan of action that best suits our child's needs.

Now let's turn the focus on another family I'm seeing having the same problems. This is a family that is very close to my own and that I have regular contact with. We shall call this family the Paul Blart family (yes like the guy in Mall Cop). This particular family is also suffering through a divorce and not always sailing calm seas. There are hurt feelings, as there always are with divorce, children who feel forced to chose sides, and manipulation going on. This family has a dad who also feels it necessary to "buy" his children's love and seems to think manipulation is perfectly acceptable. Sad really, when you stop and think about it. Of course, perhaps he can't help himself. He has family members that in the past he has called backstabbers and liars, and a parent who manipulates with the best of them ands thinks their family is better than anyone else in the world; and many who grow up in such an environment, find this type of behavior "normal".

It's quite tragic really, because this same person who is raised in such a toxic environment often overcomes this type of upbringing, but can backslide due to a drastic change in their life, for example a divorce. This person not only backslides from an upstanding citizen that has a healthy relationship with their children, their peers and their community; but reverts back to a toxic lifestyle that injures those he loves most. This is the type of person who "runs wild" and is no longer dependable, trustworthy, or a close friend that they once were. Now I'm not saying they can't have fun, find love, etc. But one must realize, when they are a parent.. that the children come first, especially if you have little ones who have not yet flown the coop. It's a hard pill to swallow, but loving your child means you must sacrifice for them. Yes, this person has done it all... treated the ex-wife as though she is a piece of shit, alienated his older children, and manipulating his younger child to view material things as love instead of quality time together. Now I personally wish I could shake some sense into this person, there was a time I loved and respected this person as I would someone in my own family.. but I have lost all respect I have for him.

Don't dare complain about how my exes have treated me when you are doing the same things to your own. This is hypocrisy at it's best, and it makes me sick. It's ok to dump all your bills and issues on your ex, but lord have mercy if someone does the same thing to your son or his wife, right? It's ok to treat your ex like shit, but lord have mercy if it happens to your family and their spouses, right? It's ok to whine about how you're broke, yet you can buy a brand new car, go out to eat constantly, shop like it's going out of style, etc, etc. It's ok to buy your children's love with new phones, new toys, new stuff and junk and then turn the same child on their other parent, and have the audacity to plant a seed in your child's head that the other parent doesn't love them because of a b/f or g/f's children? What a crock of shit!! Especially when the biological children are spoiled rotten and get preferential treatment. Guess we all can't have everything like some do.

Yes, I know this will royally piss some folks off and quite frankly I don't care anymore. I've been hated by better and treated worse by better.